


Half Agony, Half Hope

by Somekindofflower



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of past Abby Lockhart/John Carter, References to Addiction, accidental confessions, timely breakup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25734742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somekindofflower/pseuds/Somekindofflower
Summary: Canon divergence set in early season eleven, inspired by a reread of Persuasion. Carter is struggling with Kem being gone and asks Abby to talk him down in a desperate moment. Their discussion of their past relationship and their true loves prompts a revelation that causes some big changes.
Relationships: John Carter & Abby Lockhart, Luka Kovač/Abby Lockhart
Comments: 34
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey, can we talk?” 

Abby’s dead on her feet, finishing up the last of her charts, in desperate need of her bed. As soon as she turns to Carter to tell him no, though, she sees the wild look in his eye, the desperation, and she can’t deny him.

“Yeah, let me finish this really quick. Do you need to go to a meeting?”

“No, I just—” he stops and looks off as if making himself reconsider. “I don’t think so. I think I just need to talk.”

“Okay. Do you mind grabbing us a couple of sandwiches from the cafeteria?”

“Sure, I’ll do that and meet you in the lounge.”

She watches him walk away with his shoulders slumped far more than usual. Taking a deep breath, she hopes she’s up to the challenge. If he needs more, she’ll have to work hard to convince him to go to a meeting.

When her work is done, she heads to the lounge to find him waiting.

“Can we go to the roof?”

“Sure.”

They slowly walk to the elevator, and she keeps looking at him, waiting for him to spill. He doesn’t though, not until they’re up on the roof. They’re leaning over the railing and she’s already starting on her sandwich when he finally heaves an enormous sigh and turns red-rimmed eyes to her.

“How do you do it, Abby?”

“Do it?”

“You seem happy. A lot more than before. But I know it’s got to be killing you not to be with the person you love. Because it’s killing me not to be with her. I feel like—it feels like I’ve lost a limb. Or more.”

Wow, he’s going straight for the jugular. They’ve danced around it but never directly talked about it, and certainly not in the vulnerable way he’s demanding now. She has to breathe through her nose slowly to avoid snapping at him. It’s coming out of his pain, and she feels for him, but it doesn’t make her keen to bare her own wounds.

“Denial works.” Ha, it doesn’t, but at least it helps her keep moving on the harder days. “Throwing myself into my job and focusing on the medicine helps. Not talking about it’s even better.”

“Okay,” Carter says, though it’s clear from his tone that he’s not letting it drop for good.

She’s starving, so she ignores him and takes a big bite out of her sandwich. This is supposed to be about him, not her. The question makes sense, she guesses. It’s a different situation, though. At least it’s not weird, or not as weird as it should be, two exes talking about the people they truly love. It apparently takes heartbreak to get them to be this real with each other. A chuckle escapes when she takes in their surroundings and realizes the last time they were up here together.

“Remember when we were fighting up here and you yelled that you wanted to marry me? What the hell were you thinking?”

“Oh geez. That’s one hell of a subject change.”

Squinting at him, she realizes she wants a real answer, even if she said it to mess with him. “You can’t say it’s off-limits when you’re asking me about Luka. I want to know. We were a hot mess, what about that said we should do it forever?”

He shrugs sheepishly. “I panicked. I hoped for so long that we’d be something and then we didn’t turn out like I imagined. I think I thought maybe that would fix it.”

Abby scoffs.

“Yeah, I know. It was stupid.” Uh, yeah. It’s not news that the men she likes are not the sharpest when it comes to personal relationships, and neither is she, but still.

“What about the other time?”

“I don’t know, Abby. I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

“I think we’re past that. Come on.” She’s wondered why he didn’t ask ever since. For a while she was scared of the answer, but it can’t hurt her, not now.

“Something Maggie said really made me think.”

“ _Really?_ Do I even want to know?” 

“Actually, what she said was good, I ought to tell you that. Uh, let me ask you something first. Why did you have such a hard time with drinking when we were together?”

“This is supposed to help with your sobriety?” He nods and she closes her eyes to take a deep breath through her nose. “It started before we got together, you know that.”

“Yeah, but you’ve been sober ever since I left, right? So I know you had to figure out why.”

“Yeah.” This is not a conversation she ever wants to have, not with anyone. Especially since he’s already poked at that tender spot in her heart once tonight. It was difficult enough to admit to herself. But Carter is asking, and he deserves her honesty, maybe even needs it. It’s worth it. “To stay sober, you have to look at yourself. Be honest with yourself.” 

“Ah. So you didn’t know then?”

“Know?” 

“Abby.” He snorts. “You didn’t know the reason why you couldn’t love me? Or anybody else?”

Even now, just thinking about it has the power to raise her blood pressure. This, this is the problem with having friends who know her too well and are willing to call her out. “I...no. I mean, I should have. But I spent a lot of time and energy making sure I didn’t know. It was too scary. God, John, no, I wouldn’t have started anything with you if I knew.”

He watches her for a moment and nods as if he’s satisfied. 

“Anyway, back to you and Maggie.”

“She told me you’re a wonderful person.”

“That’s it?”

“She said you’re a wonderful person, and you might have certain problems, but that anyone would be lucky to have you even with those problems. That if I married you, I’d have to love you even if you never changed any of them. That it was wrong to expect you to change.”

“Okay. That’s great, Carter.” So, he still can hurt her feelings, even with that side of their relationship being very dead and gone. Maggie said that, though, she did that, and Abby can’t help but feel grateful for her insight and the confirmation that she loves Abby that way. Enough to believe that anybody would be lucky to have her. Enough to risk her wrath to try to spare her from another marriage where she wouldn’t be loved as herself.

“I know, I’m sorry, but—“

“I know, I asked.” So she did, even if it kind of sucked.

“It wasn’t you. Or the drinking, not really—I know I made it seem like that, but it was _us._ We didn’t fit. The harder we tried to, the less we did. I couldn’t marry you to try to fix us, or you, or me. When I thought about it, I knew you couldn’t do it either, even if I wasn’t sure why yet.”

He’s right. It’s amazing they lasted as long as they did, and that they’ve been able to still be friends after all of it.

Luka was always a sticking point between them, so she hopes he didn’t know all along. “When _did_ you know why?” 

Carter’s voice cracks when he starts to speak. “I saw your face after Chuny told you he was dead.”

Her stomach lurches and she swallows hard as her eyes sting. Out of everything, that was the worst moment of her life. It still guts her, even in retrospect. “Yeah, that’s when it hit me, too.” Hopefully the waver in her voice isn’t as obvious as it feels.

“Sorry.”

“You do not have to apologize for that. You’re the reason he’s alive, so—" She shakes her head. It's the best gift she's ever gotten. "You know, the thing that pissed me off most was that I couldn’t be properly pissed off at you about that douchey letter. Because you saved him.”

“Douchey?”

“Uh, _yeah._ You snuck off to another continent to get away from me and tried to do it without even telling me. I made you give me your key back, I gave you your key and your stuff, we were already broken up. Duh.” She shoves his shoulder to soften her words, but for real. He’s got a good heart, but the kind of self-righteousness displayed in his letter isn’t his most attractive trait. It’s gotten a lot better since then. Kem is probably to thank, along with the Congo.

The wince says he knows it, too. “I’m sorry about that then. Man, I really went on and on for somebody you had already dumped, huh?”

“I would say it was mutual, but yeah. You weren’t wrong about everything, though. I did think I needed you for stability.”

“You don’t seem like you do that anymore.”

“No. That whole thing kind of shook me awake, I guess. I needed to stop looking to you or Luka or Maggie or whoever for validation and do what I needed to do to feel good about myself and my life.” 

“That’s good. I’m glad you figured that out.”

“What about you? You and Kem?” Maybe he’s ready to really talk now.

“Me and Kem?” The wistfulness in his voice hurts her heart for him and because it’s oh so familiar. “I didn’t go there looking for anyone. I was pretty convinced I was done with that for a while. But we both know that love doesn’t always wait for you to be ready. We met and she...she wasn’t at all what I expected. I mean, she’s kind of a know-it-all. With these strong ideas and opinions and she steamrolls right over you. She busted my balls for being entitled and throwing money at a problem without understanding the big picture and I just...loved her for it.”

“She loves you too. I could tell.” It’s true. Abby knew as soon as she saw them together, looking at each other with exactly what they never had. Kem also sounds like the type of person Carter needs. Someone who can call him on his shit in a way that gets through.

“She does, I know. Just maybe not enough. Not for this.”

“Are you sure? Maybe you could help each other through it.”

“She doesn’t want me, not right now and maybe not ever. It’s like she can’t even look at me because I remind her and she can’t handle it. I miss her. I miss her so damn much, but I can’t do that. I can’t make it harder for her. It sounds like maybe she’s getting better. If I push in and I ruin it for her, I could never forgive myself.”

“Yeah,” Abby folds up the rest of her sandwich in the wrapper, not really hungry anymore. It’s why she didn’t say anything to Luka for so long, and now it’s too late. She’s been pining for a while, but now he’s shutting her out of even friendship and it _hurts._ She gets it. Sam is his choice. Even if she doesn’t think they’re a fit, even if she doesn’t really like Sam, even if he doesn’t seem as happy as he ought to now that he’s got a family, she can’t be the one to ruin it for him. “Yeah, I get that.”

They stand there in silence for a few moments. “Are you okay now?”

“Yeah, I think so. Okay enough. I don’t feel like numbing it away anymore. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” A smirk rises to her lips. “I would say anytime, but that was kind of brutal, so maybe not.”

As he often does, the bastard, he ignores the humor and focuses on the truth behind it. “Abby, you have to know Luka still cares about you. If you said something, maybe—”

She shakes her head against the hope that wants to conjure. Hoping hurts too much. “I waited too long. Serves me right for all that time I spent trying not to know, right?”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Nah,” she says, although she kind of does. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes wish I still didn’t know, though.” A yawn catches her off guard.

“Come on, you’re tired, let’s go.”

It’s the truth, so she goes along with it. Her chest aches like it’s raw, the aftermath of ripping off that bandage and finding the wound still bleeding. It really is too bad that ignoring it doesn’t actually make it go away. 

That’s the trouble with reading the truth that’s written on your own heart. It can’t be unread.

Abby grabs their wrappers and napkins and tosses them in the trash can next to the door Carter’s holding open for her. 

“Need me to call you a cab?” Carter asks as she blinks against the bright lights they’re about to step into. 

“Nah, I’ll be fine on the L.” She shakes herself hard and moves through the door, which echoes as it shuts behind them.

Neither of them sees Luka, slumped in a corner of the roof where he’s been since before they came in, with a stricken face, having heard every word.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After overhearing Carter and Abby's conversation, Luka has some work to do.

Oh God. Oh shit. Oh _God._ Oh _shit._

Luka came up here to think. Well, really, to brood in peace. He and Sam have been off. Weird. Not that they’re ever in sync, but he hoped with her staying and the Steve thing being more settled, they would be. He’s been pushing for them to move in, and she doesn’t seem to want to. He has to wonder if it should be this hard. 

Boy, did he get answers. 

When he first heard Carter and Abby talking on the other side of his hideaway, he was going to interrupt, truly. But they got so serious so quickly and he couldn’t. He thought they were talking about Abby still having feelings for Carter and he had to struggle not to go hit him for being a jerk by bringing it up. Then the truth hit him and he was frozen in shock as his world tipped on its axis. 

Abby loves him. Abby _loves_ him. Abby loves _him._

Wild, outrageous joy fills him. Abby loves him—loves him back—because he’s never stopped loving her.

Of course, after a few moments of that, he panics and his brain goes to shit, but that joy, that feeling he hasn’t felt in so long, tells him everything he needs to know. It should be a surprise that he’s still in love with her too. It’s not. Shoving it aside stopped working the second he realized what Abby was saying, if it ever did. He gets up and stretches, groaning at the release of tension in his body after holding himself in one place for too long. It’s time to move.

Even if doing what he knows he has to do is going to suck. 

* * *

  
  


By the time he reaches Sam and Alex’s place, he’s not any more prepared. Maybe that’s a good thing. They need to have an honest conversation, and he isn’t sure they’ve ever really done that before. 

Sam answers the door, already annoyed that he’s there. “I thought you were going home. What are you doing here?”

He’s glad for this reception. It’s confirmation of what he’s already known: neither of them is in love. Even if there’s some sadness, they’ll both walk away with their hearts intact.

“I really need to talk to you. It’s important.”

Looking at him closer, she must see the gravity in his expression, because she lets him in. 

“Is Alex—?”

“He’s asleep.”

“Good. Um. I don’t know how to say this.”

“If this is about moving in again, I don’t…”

“It’s not. Not exactly. I—I’m sorry.” She sits down on the couch and he takes the chair across from her. “I haven’t been totally honest with you.” He senses her anger rising at some lie she imagines he’s told, so he rushes on. “Not on purpose, I didn’t realize until tonight. I care a lot about you and Alex. You’re like family to me. I want you both to be safe and taken care of, and I didn’t really...when I said I was in love with you…”

“Oh,” the sigh she lets out is full of relief. “You’re not.”

“No, I’m not. I didn’t mean to say it to convince you to stay, but, uh, that’s what it was. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m not either. I wanted security, I guess. For me but more for Alex. I mean, you’re a great guy and...yeah.”

It hurts a little to hear that, even if he already knew. The similarity of her words to Abby’s about Carter isn’t lost on him. How hard they’ve all run from the right things. The real ones.

“So, what now?” Sam finally asks after an uncomfortable silence. 

“I guess we break up.”

She nods. “Yeah. I’ll tell Alex tomorrow?”

His heart clenches painfully. Alex. It hurts to lose him, far more than Sam, and that is pretty damning. 

“If you want. But listen, I still would like to be there for Alex. And for you. Just because we’re not together doesn’t mean we can’t be friends or that I can’t help if you need something.

“Yeah, um, maybe. We’ll see.”

There’s not much to say after that. It ought to be more awkward than it is, but maybe both of them are just that much lighter for the honesty. They say their goodnights/goodbyes and he leaves as they smile at each other, slightly sad but with no regrets that it’s over.

Luka sags into the driver’s seat, looks at the dash clock and sighs. As much as he wants to show up on Abby’s doorstep and confess everything, it’s really late. She was exhausted. It’s doubtful she’d appreciate him coming straight from breaking up with Sam to tell her he loves her anyway. The eavesdropping isn’t going to do him any favors with her, either.

It was by design that Abby didn’t come up in his talk with Sam. While it took learning of Abby’s feelings to shake him awake, he shouldn’t have needed it. He and Sam don’t fit. No matter how hard they tried, they aren’t right and he should never have tried to force it. This is his fault, Sam’s too, but not Abby’s. It’s not fair to drag her into his mess.

As for Abby, how is he going to handle her? The moves he made recently to put up walls between them were pretty forceful. He couldn’t manage to have a successful relationship with anyone else while she was around...how big of an idiot is he not to recognize why? It hurt him to do it, and he could see it was hurting her, but he had no idea it was as anything more than a friend. Even that wasn’t okay. Knowing what he knows now, he’s definitely got some amends to make. So he can’t just corner her tomorrow and tell her he loves her or that he overheard anything. Kissing her out of the blue is probably out, too. Is it lying if he doesn’t tell her? 

Ugh, he’s not going to get any sleep tonight.

* * *

  
  


It’s even harder than he expected. Not only has Abby gone along with his distance, she seems to be doing it herself too. She isn’t avoiding him, not exactly. She’s too professional for that. But when traumas come in, she jumps in to help the others before him. He can count on one hand the times before this where they haven’t enjoyed working together. Even when they weren’t together, they were always a good team. It’s his fault. He did this. It hurts to see how well it worked despite not doing either of them any good.

Finally in the late afternoon a trauma comes in, a fall on a construction site, head injury and broken bones along with internal injuries, surely. The patient wouldn’t agree, but his timing is perfect for Luka. Abby’s at admit grabbing a chart and he’s the closest attending, so he calls for her help and she follows. 

It takes some doing to get the seizures to stop and the bleeding mostly under control. Once he’s stable, Abby and Haleh go to take him up to the OR and Luka stands there for a second, put out that he’s losing his chance before barging over to where they’re waiting for the elevator. 

“Haleh, I’ll go instead. Thanks.” 

Abby and Haleh look at each other in confusion, but Haleh shrugs and hands him the med box. 

“I can handle this, you don’t have to come. I’m sure you have other things to do.” Abby’s frowning at him. 

“I know.” The elevator dings and they wheel the gurney in.

Now that he’s got her alone, he has no idea what to say, so he’s standing there like an idiot, rocking back and forth on his heels.

“Am I doing something wrong? Missing something?”

“No.You’re doing great.” Of course she thinks it’s something she’s done wrong. This is not going well. “I wanted to take a minute.”

“Oh.” He stares ahead at the numbers of the elevator, feeling her eyes on him as she tries to figure him out. 

They get Mr. Musgrove to surgery and head back to the elevator. He has to say something, now. If his stupid mouth would just work.

It’s a little inelegant when the words burst out of him. “Did you hear about Sam and me?”

“No.” Abby looks down before turning to him with a blank face that might have fooled him yesterday. Today, he can see the effort she’s putting into keeping it straight and he wishes he could hug her. “What about you guys?”

“Uh, we broke up.”

“Oh.” She lets out a breath that sounds almost like a laugh. “That’s not what I thought you were going to say.”

“What do you mean?”

“You seem happy. I thought you were going to say you were moving in or something.”

“Oh, no, not at all.” Not at all? How is he this bad at this?

“Are you okay?” She’s looking at him carefully, looking for any signs of upset. She’s got such a caring heart. Trying to pretend not to love her is the dumbest thing he’s ever done, and that’s saying something.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Kind of relieved. I’ll miss Alex—I’m not sure she’s going to let me hang out with him anymore. And I feel kind of stupid for trying to make it more than it was meant to be.” 

Wow, his act worked on her at least, she’s so taken aback. 

“I wanted a relationship, to not be alone, so I committed. It didn’t have much to do with Sam.”

“Oh.” She cringes a little.

“I know, I’m an idiot. Also kind of a dick, but you already knew that.”

“Kind of a dick, but a charming one.” She chuckles. “And you don’t do it on purpose.” Looking up into his eyes, she grins. It’s been so long since he’s even let himself look to notice how beautiful she is that it steals his breath away.

The elevator doors slide open behind her, and it’s a good thing. If she keeps looking at him like that, he’s going to kiss her, timing be damned. 

They don’t get to talk again, but every time he catches a glimpse of her, she’s smiling. The night before, he heard the emotion in her voice, he believed it, but seeing her lightness now and the tenderness in her eyes is knocking him for a loop. They could have been happy and together for a long time already, if not for the fact that he missed it. How did he miss it?

It’s humbling that she knows the worst of him and still loves him. For her to worry and care for him this whole time, without believing there was a chance. Even her avoidance of him was likely out of her love for him. God, he doesn’t deserve her, but he loves her enough to make up for it, and he’s going to show her.

* * *

  
  


Straddling the line of friendship and more is difficult. Luka wants Abby so badly. Knowing she’s in love with him makes the conclusion seem obvious. But he’s still nervous. He doesn’t want to rush her or ruin things again. 

There’s a lot more going on in her life than just him. Internship is a hard adjustment for anyone, but perhaps doubly for her with switching from being a nurse in the same department. She’s the best intern, not just in his biased opinion, but it’s harder for the staff to accept her change in status. Hard for her, too. Confidence has always been a struggle for her, and he didn’t help by being so dismissive of her concerns earlier in the summer.

There’s also the problem of her not knowing that he knows. The guilt is eating him up from not telling her, but how does he do that without causing more damage? Some time has passed, so it’s less likely she might view herself as a rebound than before. But he’d like to get them to a place where she can see he loves her by his actions before he tells her. That way maybe it won’t upset her as much. 

The day comes for her ride-along with the paramedics and oh, it’s a terrible day. Most of the department is reeling after losing two sisters whose mother had them jump from a window to escape their abusive father. It turned out to all be a hallucination. His heart is smarting as it always does when he loses a patient, especially a child. He thought Tamira had a chance, since they got her to the OR, but she died in surgery. Abby, though, arrived on the scene in the ambulance and stayed at County because her patient, Kali, begged her to, and she lost her on the table. She’s got to be hurting.

“Haleh, do you know where Abby is?” He asks when he finds her in the hall. 

“She was leaving a minute ago, she’s probably in the lounge.” He turns to head there before she continues. “Dr. Kovač?”

“Yes?”

“Today was really hard on her.” There’s an implicit warning in her tone and he smiles a little at her care for Abby.

“I know. I want to check on her.”

“Okay. See you later.”

“Bye, Haleh.”

Abby’s staring into her locker, but she jerks when he enters. 

“Hey.”

“Hey,” she sniffs and grabs her bag. “I was just leaving.”

“Can I give you a ride?” 

“I—” Her protest dies as soon as it starts. She’s so worn down that it aches to look at her. “Okay.”

Luka has to ball his hand into a fist to keep from reaching for her as they walk to his car. She’s walking briskly and avoiding his eyes. If he didn’t know her as well as he does, he would think her walls were up to shut him out. But he does know her, and he can see that she is an inch from breaking and that if he touches her, she will. The least he can do is get her somewhere private first.

Sheer determination carries her through longer than he expects. He finds a free spot on her street, parks, and looks over. With her eyes closed and her head leaned back against the seat, it looks like she’s fallen asleep. He’s almost decided to stay there with her and let her sleep all night if he needs to when she speaks.

“I’m awake, I just have to summon the will to move.” 

“I’m not in a hurry.” 

After a few moments, she sighs heavily and picks up her bag. Oh no, she’s going to go and he can’t leave her like this. 

“Thanks for—”

“Can I—”

They start at the same time and abruptly stop. 

“Can I come in?” He asks when she stays silent. 

“Yeah,” she says. By the time he rounds the car, she’s got the door open but that’s it. 

“Need me to carry you?” He chuckles at the dirty look he gets in return. “I can, you know, if you want me to.”

“No, I know—I mean, I remember—ugh. No!” She swats the hand that he has reached down to her and pops up next to him, slamming the car door behind her. He can’t help but grin at how adorable she is.

Her cheeks are flushed from the teasing. He’s this close to putting his hand on her back when she stops walking. “I don’t want to go inside yet. Can we sit out here?”

“Sure,” he says, wondering if she doesn’t want him in her place for some reason.

“I wish I had a cigarette.” She flops down on the steps.

“I think I have some in my glove compartment if you want me to go get one.” 

“I can’t. I don’t do that anymore.”

“You finally quit?” 

“Yeah, after graduation. I couldn’t really be a doctor telling people to quit and not do it myself, right? Since when do you smoke?”

“Only sometimes. Usually when I’m drunk.”

“Well, you shouldn’t. It’s bad for you.” 

He sits down next to her and raises his eyebrows. 

“See, now I can nag you with authority.”

He can feel the goofiness of his adoring smile and he doesn’t even care. She shivers a little. 

“It’s chilly, you want to go in?”

“No, I don’t know if Neela’s back yet.”

“Neela? Is she staying with you?” Okay, how much has he missed? He didn’t think he was _this_ uninformed about her life.

“Yeah, since May. Everybody knows that. Of course, we hadn’t been talking much until you, uh, lately.”

“Yeah. Listen, about that—”

“Susan convinced her to come back. She starts tomorrow.” Her bitten lip and the way she’s staring a hole through her hands tells him that was an intentional interruption, so he drops it. “I know she’s going to want to talk about it and I’m not sure I’m up to being a supportive friend tonight. Internship is already really hard and then today…”

“Yeah.”

“I thought the biggest thing I’d have to worry about today was not throwing up in the back of an ambulance.”

“Oh right, you get roadsick.”

“Carsick.” The corners of her mouth tick up and then fall. “Luka, it was awful. Those two little girls on the concrete and their mother...we did everything and it’s still…”

“Not enough,” he whispers. “I know.”

“That mother, her screaming, I...and the thing with Howard. Then I said the stupidest thing to Carter, and if I apologize it’s only going to make it worse.”

“What did you say?” It doesn’t really matter, but he’s trying to keep her talking, to let it out.

“Right after Wendall took Nichelle away, I told him I can’t imagine losing a child. Shit, and now I’ve said it to you too.”

The tears she’s been running from are finally coming even though she’s not really submitting. Some of them are leaking through anyway. His own resistance crumbles and he puts his arm around her. For a second, she stiffens and he thinks he’s done the wrong thing, but the next she lets out a sob and turns her face into his shoulder. She lets herself cry for a minute and he holds her close, trying to give her as much comfort as he can. 

It shudders to a stop before she can possibly have let it all out. But she doesn’t pull away quite yet and he lets himself savor the feel of holding her for the first time in forever. He’s not letting go until she does.

“Carter will be fine. He’s already hurting and you stating the obvious isn’t going to make it worse. As for me, yes, these patients always hurt and remind me. But it doesn’t make it worse for you to know that. It’s kind of nice that you acknowledge that they lived.”

There’s nothing to say to that and he knows it, but she leans against him harder for a moment and reaches up to squeeze the hand that’s holding her close. Then she pulls her face back slightly. Her eyes are red but bright from the tears. Their deep brown depths are so soft and open that he’s sure he’s going to drown in them. He’s about to kiss her or tell her he loves her or both.

“Dr. Kovač? Abby, are you okay?”

Abby likes Neela, Luka likes Neela, he does NOT want to kill Neela. If he does, Susan will kill him for losing another resident. His empty arm drops as Abby readjusts away from him and he rethinks the not killing.

“Yeah, it was just a tough day. Patients. You got pizza?”

“Yeah, I figured we’re too tired for anything else.”

“Great, thanks, I’ll be in in a minute.”

“Okay. Bye, Dr. Kovač.” Neela shoots him a curious glance before jogging up the steps. 

Hmm. Maybe he can use her desire to please authority for Abby’s good this time. “Hey, Neela.”

“Yeah?”

“Abby’s exhausted and she needs to go to bed, so can you make sure she does after she eats? My orders.”

“Uh…” Neela turns in her confusion to look at Abby, who has her arms crossed and is raising her chin at him. 

“I want a bath, am I allowed? Or is that against your orders, Dr. Kovač?”

There’s a challenging spark in her eye and he grins to see it. Too bad they have an audience...actually, there goes their audience through the door of the building. He always knew he liked Neela.

“I know you love your baths to relax, so I’ll allow it. As long as you go to bed afterward.” Too bad he can’t stay and enforce (or participate in) the orders personally. He tries not to think of her, moist and fresh from the bath in her bathrobe and nothing else, and fails miserably.

“And what would you say if I ordered _you_ to eat, shower and get to bed?” Depends on whose bed. How comforting each other has turned into teasing that is far too arousing he has no idea, but he’s not complaining.

“I would know you had my best interests at heart, so I would say ‘Yes, thank you, Dr. Lockhart,’ and do exactly as you said.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” she laughs. She lifts her chin just a little and he wants to kiss her stubborn mouth in the worst way. But Neela’s waiting inside and she’s been crying. She’s exhausted in every possible way and needs her bed, sadly, without him in it. Once he kisses her, he’s not going to want to stop. It’s the wrong time.

Plus, there’s a sweetness to this in-between, to flirting and talking and getting used to being together again that he doesn’t want to rush through too quickly.

They’re caught in a staring contest now, so he clears his throat. “Goodnight, Abby.”

“Goodnight.”

Forcing himself to leave, he trots down the steps. He’s on the sidewalk when she calls after him. 

“You don’t have to take care of me, you know.”

“I know,” he replies, and oh boy, does he. 

“But,” she looks down at her feet before looking up at him again. “Thanks for doing it anyway.”

God, he loves her. He lets himself stare a moment more and take in every bit of her from her falling down hair to her undoubtedly sore feet, before looking into her red-rimmed eyes that he is nearly drowning in even from this distance.

“Thanks for letting me.”

They share a smile before he leaves. When he starts the car, he looks back to see her watching from the door, so he waves and waits for her to get inside before he drives away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so, one more chapter after this. Only one. 
> 
> I hope.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tension comes to a head and Abby finds out what Luka overheard in our conclusion.

Abby’s nodding along as Neela recites random medical facts, but she’s not listening. Neela coming back to County is great, because of course she wants her to do what’s best for her. But the encyclopedic memory thing always makes Abby feel behind. She hasn’t missed that bit.

Sleep was elusive the night before, even though she did follow Luka’s (annoyingly right) advice and get to bed early. It’s his fault she couldn’t sleep—instead, she laid awake thinking about him. Before last night she wasn’t sure, but he’s definitely flirting with her. It’s more than that, though, he’s being sweet and caring. More so than she’d expect from a friend. All her brain wants to do today is ponder what it means and bask in the warmth she still feels from how he held her, but of course she won’t get the chance.

This day is annoying as hell. Pratt has taken it upon himself to speed them along. Yes, moving patients through quickly is important, but it’s not the only thing that matters. He tends to err on the side of going too fast to the patients’ detriment. The nurses, including Abby, have had to cover for him a bunch of times because of it. He’s gotten a lot better, but damn, she hates him today.

Speaking of hate, she could happily kick Ray’s ass, too. Pratt’s loving him and their burgeoning little boys’ club is starting to really piss her off. None of this is conducive to good medicine but as an intern, she still has to play along. It doesn’t help that their criticisms of her are already sore spots. Her mind doesn’t always work as quickly as she’d like. Maybe it would if she could flip off the empathy switch like they clearly can, or pretend that she’s certain when she isn’t and shouldn’t be. She scowls as she sees Ray carrying another box of bribery sweets while two med students trail behind him. It’s not bad enough for him to be a jerk, he has to teach the next generation to do the same.

The one consolation is that she knows he’ll get a reality check. Everyone does. Unfortunately, it might come at the expense of a patient he kills. It’s why she doesn’t mention it when she passes Luka in the hall and he asks what’s wrong. That and Ray’s comment about her being the teacher’s pet, which hurt, dammit, no matter how much she wishes it didn’t. It’s not true. She’s been on the receiving end of enough awkward corrections from all of the attendings (exes and otherwise) and Weaver to know they’ll call her out when they have to. They do it more kindly than with Ray or Pratt, but that’s because they know she’ll listen. At least, she _thinks_ that’s the case.

This weird new head of surgery is throwing her off her game, too. Dubenko seems to think he’s helping, but she doesn’t need his constant coaching in her ear while she’s already second-guessing herself. Yeah, she has to assert herself more because of guys like Ray, but she shouldn’t have to when it’s his issue. Ray should be the one to change. And the little tutoring sessions make her feel like she’s about ten years old.

After witnessing yet another disgusting incident where Ray uses sweets to get priority, she’s had enough. She turns to Sam. 

“You don’t find all this wheeling and dealing a little bit slimy?” 

When Sam replies “Yeah, but sometimes you have to play some games to get stuff done,” it’s hard to keep the disgust off her face. This nonsense is not what she signed up for. But thinking back to what Luka said about prophylactic antiretroviral drugs only being available for occupational exposures, she might have just thought of a game to play to help out her patient.

Playing games is gross when it’s to get ahead, but she can live with it when it’s for a patient who could use the help.

  
  


* * *

  
  


When Luka hears from Frank that Abby got a needle stick, his heart plummets. For a second. Then he remembers all her earlier questions about how to get a triple cocktail for her patient and he has to swallow a laugh. 

It appears she’s finding her confidence. 

She and Neela are charting when he enters the lounge at the end of his shift. Her eyes and shoulders show she’s tired, but he’s pleased to note the defeated look from last night and earlier is gone. He takes his time stowing his things in his locker.

Susan comes in yawning. “Hi, guys. You’re still charting? I remember how that was at first. I haven’t been this tired since I _was_ an intern a million years ago. You?”

“Uh,” he flounders for a second. “Yeah. I also had an infant and a four year old at home when I was an intern.”

“Wow,” says Susan. “How did you do it?” 

He’s always appreciated Susan’s lack of dramatic reactions. “The coffee is better in Croatia.”

“I hope so for your sake. If anybody needs me, I’ll be in the on-call room.”

They call farewells after her.

“You should teach yourself to chart as you go. Save yourself from having to remember everything at the end of the day when you’re tired.”

The twin glares he gets in return make him lift his hands in surrender. “Just a suggestion.”

Abby grumbles. “I’ve had enough suggestions today from men who consider having a penis to be the most important requirement for a good doctor.”

“Oh, shoot, I’m missing a chart. The lady with the, uh, thing.” With that suspiciously nonspecific explanation, Neela leaves without a backward glance. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, that wasn’t about you.”

It’s clear she wants to drop it, so he does. He’ll find out later.

“So, needle stick. Can I see it?”

Before she can answer, he grabs her right hand in his and undoes her bandaid. She’s looking at him indulgently. 

“Wow, you committed to this.” Surely she didn’t really… “You did use a clean needle, right?”

She rolls her eyes. “Of course. You’re not going to rat me out, are you?”

“Of course not. I’m impressed.”

“I see. You’re impressed by rule-breaking. Because it’s what you would do.”

He shakes his head wordlessly at her and tapes her bandage back into place. “You want some help?”

“Nah, I’m almost done.”

Switching charts, she scribbles a few things before looking back up at him. “So how _did_ you handle your internship with all that going on?”

“Like I said, good coffee.”

“So I need to start making that Turkish mud, huh?”

“Or drinking it anyway.” Luka will gladly make her coffee every morning. “I was a lot younger then, too. I had a lot more energy.”

“More energy? You have so much already. I could never understand how you could keep me up so late and then still wake up early all ready to—” Abby’s cheeks bloom bright red and she cringes before hiding her face in her hands.

Luka feels an answering heat in his own cheeks and he can’t stop a shocked grin from splitting his face.

“Is that a complaint?”

She smacks him on the arm. “Shut up. God. I can’t believe I said that.”

Neither can he, but while she’s embarrassed, he’s delighted. Hopefully it’s evidence of where her mind is. Abby risks a peek at him and he halfheartedly tries to hide his smile. A giggle escapes her and he gives up the attempt. He ought to ask her to talk, but he’s struck dumb for the moment from the current running between them.

“Hey, guys.” They both turn to look at Carter, who has been standing in the lounge for who knows how long. 

“Uh, hey,” Luka gets out.

“Hey. I should go see if Neela found that chart she needs and if she’s ready to go. See you guys.”

She’s avoiding looking at both of them and Luka can’t let her leave like that. 

“Abby.” She hugs the charts she’s finished gathering to her chest as she looks at him. “It wasn’t energy. It was the, ah, inspiration.”

Her cheeks flush to an even deeper red and she gapes for a moment but can’t seem to find any words. He takes pity on her. “See you tomorrow.”

“Bye,” she says before practically running out the door. 

Carter has his eyebrows raised when Luka finally looks over at him. 

“I’ve been meaning to ask how you’re doing with the breakup, but it looks like you’re doing fine.”

Luka huffs. “Yeah. Better than fine, actually.” 

Carter claps him on the shoulder. “It’s about time, man.”

Not knowing what to say to that, Luka shrugs. He owes Carter the story, but Abby deserves to hear it first. Fortunately, Carter lets it drop.

“Listen, we’ve got to talk about the R2s and how they’re teaching the interns.” 

Luka tries to tune back in to work mode and is only even marginally successful because the topic affects Abby. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Abby’s heart rate picks up as she gets to work and Luka catches her eye from across the room. It’s honestly a miracle that she is able to pay attention to work and do a decent job. At least she finally got some sleep the night before. The moment is coming, she knows, when this thing between them—whatever it is—comes to a head. There are some nerves, but it’s anticipation more than anything. She’s waited a long time for him to look at her like that again. 

The afternoon brings a couple of gunshot victims in and Luka has her run their girl’s trauma. They’re a well-oiled machine, efficient and fast. When they send the patient up to surgery, Abby finds herself smiling. She’s kind of kicking ass today.

Urbanus turns to hand her a Snickers as he’s leaving the trauma room. “You haven’t eaten all day.”

The puppy eyes are in full force still and she almost says no to avoid encouraging him. But since she rejected his dinner offer, he hasn’t brought it up again. It feels too much like kicking him when he’s down to say no now. He’s only trying to be kind. Even if it’s kind of annoying.

“Thanks, Urbanus. Now please go with Chuny to escort Ms. Kowalski to surgery and page me if you have any issues.”

He goes with a smile and she sighs as the door closes behind him, leaving her alone with Luka.

“Poor kid looks like he’s in love with you.”

“He thinks he is.” She shrugs as she takes in his amusement. “He’ll get over it. They all do.”

She pulls off her PPE and puts it in the bin.

Luka mutters “Not all of us,” under his breath, or at least that’s what it sounds like. She freezes and turns to stare at him. 

“Good work,” he says more clearly and smiles at her. “I was right.”

“Right about what?”

“I knew you’d be a great doctor.”

Abby doesn’t know if it’s the memory, as if she can’t hear him say that and _not_ kiss him, or if they’ve reached the tipping point where they can’t hold back anymore, but the next moment, they’re kissing. She doesn’t know who moved first. She doesn’t care, not when he’s cradling her face like she’s precious. Touching him has always made her thoughts fly out of her head. Though she’s told herself she had to be remembering it better than it really was, she was wrong. It’s better. It’s familiar and new, sexy and tender all at once and she would float away if he wasn’t holding onto her.

When air becomes necessary, he pulls back to breathe and lean his forehead against hers. She finally opens her eyes to see him staring at her. His hand is trembling against her cheek and she presses harder into his palm. 

Luka presses a soft, affectionate peck to her lips and then to her cheek. If it’s possible to melt even more, she does. 

“I have to tell you something.” 

That rarely means anything good. Her heart is already racing and it trips in fear.

“I don’t know how to tell you this. I don’t want you to get upset.”

This intro certainly isn’t helping. The worst-case scenario pops into her head and she freezes, trying not to panic. “Are you leaving?”

He squints in confusion. “No.”

Oh, thank God. What else would make him this squirrelly? “Is this about Sam?”

“What? No. Just—just listen.”

Gah, he’s annoying. If he’d spit it out, she’d stop jumping in. “Okay.”

“The night that Sam and I broke up, I was thinking about our relationship. About how it wasn’t really working, how I wasn’t really happy. Anyway, I was leaving work and thinking about all that and I ended up on the roof.” He swallows and looks at her significantly. 

The emotional whirlwind has made her brain sluggish and she doesn’t get it right away. Something about the way he’s looking at her makes her do the mental math. When did he break up with Sam exactly? 

Oh. Oh no.

“Was that the night Carter and I…” Oh, she needs to sit. She moves back to brace herself against the counter.

“Yeah. I didn’t mean to listen, but I…”

God, she’s mortified. If this isn’t an argument for keeping things to herself, what is? Her face is on fire and her stomach flips over.

“You heard and then you went and broke up with Sam?”

“Yes.” Even in her confusion and humiliation, she registers how nervous he is. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I knew I had to talk to Sam first and then I didn’t know what to say.”

Horror settles over her. “Did you tell her?”

That would be the absolute worst. Sam’s been giving her some calculating looks, but she thought that was about the flirting she and Luka have been doing. If she has known this whole time…it’s like she’s standing here naked. Wrapping her arms around herself, she stares at the ground.

“Of course not! I’m doing this all wrong.” He comes over to stand in front of her. “When I heard what you said, how you felt, I realized I had to change things.”

The door swings open. “Hey, Luka, your nursing home lady is crashing.”

Abby cringes at the interruption and shrinks further back. Of _course,_ it had to be Sam.

“Luka!” Sam repeats when he stares at Abby instead of moving.

“Fine, I’m coming!” He calls after her, irritated, as Sam darts back out into the hall. “We’ll talk later, Abby?”

A grunt that might be assent is all she can manage before he has to run out. 

That was not how she had expected any of that to go.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


There’s another two hours of running around left on her shift. There’s no free moment to think, not that that stops her mind from spinning around. 

  
  


All she wants to do is hide away, so as soon as she gets the chance, she returns to the scene of the crime. She’s so...ugh. Embarrassed isn’t the right word. What she feels for Luka doesn’t make her feel ashamed. But being caught out like that, completely unaware, it’s so awkward and vulnerable. Him knowing she wants him is one thing, but to be aware just how much and for how long?

Her knee-jerk reaction is to be pissed. He shouldn’t have eavesdropped. But almost against her will, she finds that she gets it. That conversation with Carter went from zero to sixty. Without the unspoken context it would have been impossible for someone else to follow. Yeah, he should have revealed himself when they first showed up, but once it started it was pretty much too late. Luka is hardly quick to react as it is.

The breakup with Sam sure happened quickly, though, and she can’t ignore the significance. He instantly turned around and started talking to Abby, hanging around her, inserting himself back into her life. Even if that doesn’t mean everything she wants it to, she’s still grateful for the result. 

If it _does_ mean everything she wants it to, then...she shuts that thought down. Speculation isn’t helping. What she needs to do is find Luka and hear him out with no interruptions this time. 

Just as she’s made up her mind to track him down and do exactly that, the door opens and there he is. 

Though she’s already forgiven him, she can’t resist. “Shouldn’t you sneak in quieter if you’re back for more eavesdropping?”

It takes him two seconds to stride over to where she’s leaning on the railing and hang his head. “Abby, I’m so—” He stops as he takes in her smirk. “You’re not mad.”

“I was. Then I thought about how that conversation went. I still wish you interrupted, but I guess you were confused and didn’t know what to do.”

“Yeah.” He leans next to her and she smiles a little at how he has to bend down so far. “At first I thought Carter was talking about you still wanting him.”

“What? That’s ridiculous.” How was he _still_ on that? 

“Yeah, well, it’s Carter.” He waves his hand like that says it all. “It had been a long time since I wanted to hit him.”

That explains a lot. She snorts at the thought of him popping up out of the blue to punch Carter and guesses that’s exactly why he didn’t. “You’re an idiot,” she says, fondly shaking her head at him.

“I know.” He turns fully toward her now, deadly serious. “I am an idiot. When I realized it was me you were talking about...I can’t remember the last time I was that happy.”

Her pulse is pounding as she stares at him. Is this really happening?

“Abby.” He takes a shaky breath. It’s rare for him to be this visibly nervous and she wants to hold him but she’s frozen in place. “I’ve been in love with you forever.”

“You have?” Happiness crashes over her like a wave and her voice cracks. “But you—“

“I didn’t think, after Carter, that I had any chance with you. I shoved it down and tried to shut it away.”

Her hand slides over to cover his and he grips it. 

“It didn’t really work.”

It sure looked at the time like it had, but she knows she has no room to talk. He couldn’t keep going like he had when she and Carter were together, and she wouldn’t have wanted him to. She rubs her thumb across the back of his hand.

“I get that you had to talk to Sam first. But why didn’t you tell me after?”

“I wanted to. I wanted to run straight to your place and kiss you as soon as you opened the door.”

Well, why didn’t he? It would’ve been a shock, but a very welcome one.

“But in the past I know you thought I was just—I don’t know. More interested in the sex or the act of being in a relationship than in you. Or something. I didn’t want you to think that this time.”

“I don’t. And I wouldn’t have, not now. I know you better.”

“It was dumb, anyway. I’ve been happier these past weeks just getting to talk to you again than I was dating anybody else. I missed you.”

“Me too.” The enormity of the moment catches up to her and she stares down at their joined hands, unsure what to say.

Luka shifts to face her and smiles a little. “Any more questions?”

“I don’t know. I guess just: what now?”

The pure joy in the grin he gives her makes her fall a little more in love with him. His fingers caress her cheek then weave behind her head and into her hair and he bends down close. “Whatever you want.”

Like there’s a choice when he’s this close and looking at her like that. She grabs his waist and tugs him in and she can feel his smile against her lips for a second before he deepens the kiss. How is this even better than the last one? Her hands travel hungrily up his chest and behind his head to rake her fingers through his hair. It was meant to just be one kiss, but she’s carried away already. With the way Luka’s hands are roaming over her and how enthusiastically he’s taking her mouth, she knows he’s gone too. He grabs her tightly around the waist and hitches her up and she gasps as the cool night air hits her bare skin where her jacket and shirt have ridden up. 

Luka pulls back for a second, hesitating, and Abby looks up to find him searching for a safe place to set her down. They both break into laughter as their eyes meet. 

“I guess this isn’t the best place for this, huh.” Abby beams up at him as he sets her back on her feet. He’s a mess. An adorable one with his hair askew and his eyes dark and glittering, and she feels a thrill at being the one to make him look so overcome.

“You're right. So? What now?”

Abby straightens her clothes and holds out her hand, loving that she knows he’ll take it. He intertwines their fingers and she glances down at them and then back to him. “Take me home?”

Disappointment covers his face before he looks down and nods. “Sure, I can do that.”

What’s wrong? Thinking over what she said and trying to figure out his reaction, her cheeks heat. _Home._ That was a hell of a Freudian slip. There’s no need to admit that to him. “Um, I meant, if you want, can you take me to your place?”

Recognition flashes in his eyes, but he doesn’t call her on it. Instead, he sighs in relief as they head through the door. The trip is slow-going and silent while both of them reel from the day’s revelations. Luka’s not attempting to hide anything. He can’t stop looking at her and the adoration he’s radiating is leaving her speechless. 

As he opens the door for her, he stops so close to her that she can feel the heat from his body. The want zings between them so strongly that she’s almost sure they’re going to do this right here, especially when he licks his lips, but he manages to move, with an effort. Finally, he shuts her door and climbs in his side.

“Do you work tomorrow?”

“Nope. Do you?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re not getting much sleep tonight. I’m feeling rather inspired.”

That’s perfectly in line with her own plans. Ugh, she feels stupid when he looks at her like this. It’s hard to get her brain and mouth working in tandem.

“That sounds nice.” There, that’s a relatively normal thing to say. It _is_ nice, even just to be around him again, having him hold her and kiss her. Having him _love_ her. 

“Nice?” He snorts. They come to a red light then and the look he gives her then is more suggestive than anything he could say. A car behind them honks when he misses the green light and he clears his throat.

A subject change is in order. “Does Carter know you heard?”

“No, I had to tell you first.”

She chuckles. “Sort of.”

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t know what you would think.”

“Well, what I think is…” she swallows when her tease suddenly catches up to her and makes her all emotional. “I didn’t think there was any hope there for this. And now…” A cold fear grips her then. Not strong enough to stop her, not as strong as wanting him, but enough to make her pause.

Fortunately, he understands her without words. Reaching across to grab her hand, he answers. “Abby, we’re not going to mess up this time.”

“We’re not?”

“No. We know now what we mean to each other. And we really know each other now. I know you’re going to get scared and freak out at some point and I’m not going to go anywhere when you do. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’m going to go too fast at some point and you’ll push back and I’ll take it too personally, but I’ll try not to.”

She bites her lip but can’t quite stop the grin. He does know her. “I’m going to hold you to that one.”

He parks then and looks at her. “Do you need to call Neela?”

“No, I texted her on the way.”

“Are you ready?” His hand comes up to hold her cheek again and she melts. She nods in response.

He hops up and out of the car before she can kiss him. “Okay, let’s go then. I’ll show you ‘nice’.”

A laugh bubbles up out of her and she climbs out, too, tingling in anticipation and full of hope for the future. Maybe eavesdropping isn’t such a bad thing after all.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
